16 Things to Do in 2016

I believe that we believe in community living in Manipur. So, despite my mentally challenged mind, I have drafted a liston 16 things we have to do in 2016 collectively. I might have missed some of the points but I believe it, again, that I have included nearly all the important items. Suggestions and recommendations are always welcome. FYI, I will not shoot you in the leg for disagreeing with me. I’m a self-styled lowlife pacifist. So, here’s the list (in a random order):

1.    Let us take the first opportunity from any real or imagined grievance and lose no time to declare a general strike in the name of the people. Destroy some public property, burn down some private vehicles and make a point. What point—that we can destroy, vandalise and make a point. As a rejoinder, we might as well make a calendar for general strikes. Curfews are random; so let’s keep them only as a contingency.

2.    We must block the national highways at the drop of a hunting hat, but not before turning a blind eye to the pampered chiefs living in forts and mansions around the valley. While the highways are blocked, it will be a great idea to contact our oil agents and get a few gallons of petrol and sell them in the black market. It has been our pride when people wonder how we buy gas at INR1,500 and petrol at INR500 a litre, both of which are five times the normal price.

3.    Let the government listen to us, with whatever means we can exploit, then let it sleep over the issues after a round of general strikes and street protests. After all the cycle has been going on for 1,000 years.

4.    This particular label has reached its saturation point. There must be other ways to name an association without the prefix ‘All-Manipur’. We should take some inspirations from the esteemed masters such as the Association of Assistant Professor Eligible Candidates of Manipur. ‘Manipur’ seems to be everywhere. However, when we hear names like the Universal Friendship Organisation or the Coalition for Indigenes’ Rights Campaign, we know their bases sans an indication in their name.

5.    A similar point as above: It is not mandatory to add Sangai and Kangla in every fucking product or service. The Department of Commerce and Industries does provide registration certificates to entities such as Yelhoumee Pictures and Our Private Literature. To put it roughly, we can learn to be creative in naming objects as the New Year dawns with fresh ideas and beginnings.

6.    Tick the ‘general’ category in job application forms. Use a blue or a black ball pen. Why this option, because, as we can see from a case in September 2015 when the government education department released the names of 10,000 shortlisted candidates for interviews in various posts—ranging from assistant engineers to cluster resource people—almost 99.09% of the job seekers belong to OBCs, SCs and STs. Precisely there is less competition in the general group nowadays. BTW, the demand for SC status is spearheaded by anti-unions but who believes it is okay to fucking conform to the fucking rules and regulations of the bloody authority.

7.    It will be more affordable to buy all the coconuts, mud pots and other utensils plus rent the carpets, mats and karnats from tent service providers in advance. A real cost-effective stuff. Bananas, apples and tairen-manaa might get spoilt, so leave them. What’s all this for—well, sit-in protests that go on throughout a year. Sample this government ad: Buy coconuts, mud pots and utensils in bulk and get one dead body free.

8.    We have talked so much about the inclusion of chapters on the Northeast in mainland school and college books. Closer home, we might as well include a lesson on how to take part in rallies and demonstrations for the local schoolchildren. Our political representatives would not even need to kiss New Delhi’s ass for this initiative. Significantly, what a great plan for our fuckedup school kids!

Happy New Year!

9.    Unity is strength. The New Year will bring in its own shares of murders, extortion and all kinds of crime cases in cahoots with the government and militants but we need to stand together in times of crises. Axes, the most impure petrol and kerosene, ootoop-watoop and other heavy tools should be kept close at hand whenever we need to dismantle the neighbour’s house. Our war cry is ‘Mob Rules’. If this is lame, then maybe, plainly: ‘Fuck for Justice’.

10.    All along we have been using Singhs and Devis for male and female names respectively. Now, for a change, we should start using these nauseous suffixes independent of our sex. Tourangbam Tomba Devi. Loitam Memchoubi Singh. For that matter, there is an actress like Chitrangada Singh, a female, and a former deputy prime minister, Devi Lal, a male.

11.    We should herald the New Year with the Declaration of the Artists’ Matte to Gloss Revolution. There will be no blood, bullet or bomb in this revolution however, filmmakers will become filmmakers per se rather than camerapersons as they have always been, pop singers will experiment diverse music genres instead of forming fascist organiations, ‘nat sankirtan’ artistes will realise that the very name of their art form is itself an alien term, Ras Lila dancers will carry on the legacy and high art of group sex and so on. (Krishna’s hobby is gangbang. I didn’t say it; it’s all written in black and white at the Ras Lila venues and in the so-called epics.)

12.    Cut down on heroin, opium, Nitrosun, Nitrazepam, Diazepam, Valium, Lobain, Spasmoproxybon, Spasmocip Plus, Demerol, Prazep, Buprenorphine, Methadone, WYWY, Xanax, Corex, Deletus-D, all sorts of painkillers plus amphetamines as well as booze and marijuana—to spend more quality time at home. The introduction of prepaid electricity has been quite a blessing, regardless of how moronic we still will be like Maangonjao (a person who do not go out beyond his/her maangon. Yet it is a great excuse to be home instead of loitering around as loafers from the roosters’ crown at dawn to the dog’s howling at dusk.

13.    With the big bad general election due in early 2017, we must start organising tea and dinner parties. Yes, it is boring but the free booze and money will come only when the elections are a couple of months away from the D-day or more appropriately, the E-day. We can hardly do anything about it but, as always, to tolerate the daily shits.

14.    We should allow the old men and women to brag about their achievements in life. At least they are not preaching what is good to eat and what is not. Sometimes it might be too much because nothing has really changed despite their ‘dedication’ but we can only address them respectfully in the name of self-discipline.

15.    Transparency and accountability of the elected representatives and government officials have become a Martian stuff. In this context, as the joke goes, it will be illegal to kill them but we can, once in a while, send ‘potato’ crackers. Clarification: We are not the kind of extremists who would use Second-World-War rocket launchers to attack the chief minister.

16.    Let’s make a differentiation between democracy and military rule. Electoral politics convinces us that we are in a democracy but that could not be the only factor to decide a rule of the people. It might be difficult because the Union takes the call but it is not the Supreme Authority. Alternatively, the Union is not Lord Rama. It is made up of fucking individuals who have no clue about living in a scum-filled land. So, differentiate it.